The Mother I Thought I'd Be...

I'm not the mother I thought I'd be.

All those years of thinking about the future and planning EXACTLY what it would be like - and I've now come to realize that things don't always turn out the way you planned, but that's okay.

- I planned to breastfeed Abby for her first year of life. And I did make it 9 weeks of pumping every 3 hours. But with the month-long nicu stay and IUGR and severe latching issues, we couldn't continue. I still glance at my The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding book from time to time and feel sad. Sometimes I see a mother nursing in public and wish things were different - that I could still share that bond with Abby. But then I remind myself that the method of feeding my child does not matter as long as I feed her. And my goodness, she likes her bottles! My 2lb preemie now weighs over 12lbs (1.5 lbs gained in the last 2 weeks alone!!!)

- I wanted to co-sleep with Abby in our room for the first year. However, within 2 months of her being home, I realized that both she and I get MUCH better sleep with her in her own room! She pretty much made the decision for us!

- I thought I'd be an incredibly clingy mother, constantly checking on Abby to make sure she's breathing at night, and running to pick her up if she makes the smallest peep. But I've learned that both she and I need our space sometimes, and she actually has a routine of fussing for 2 minutes before falling asleep. She'll fuss when I put her down, then when I come back to check onher, she'll look at me like I'm crazy and fall promptly asleep! Who knew that babies need alone time too?

- I thought I'd constantly be out and about on playdates and outtings with Abby. However, RSV season has kept us pretty much on lock-down and we can't take the risk of her being around small children until it warms up. In addition, classes like Kindermusic cost way too much for our budget, and we can just listen and dance to the radio at home! I'm really looking forward to our Mommy and Me Swim classes in the Fall, though!

- I thought I'd be able to get lots done at home and be able to work on losing the baby weight. The truth? I rarely do anything at the house that's not baby related and I'm still carrying an extra 40 lbs I don't have time or energy to lose right now. Oh, and my hips have spread from here to Texas - thanks, GB! I know I'll be able to lose the weight when the weather warms up - just right now it's not the top priority, know what I mean?

- I thought I would love staying at home, but the truth is that I'm ready to get back to teaching. Believe me, I know how lucky I am to get to stay home with Abby for her first year of life. I know that most women out there would give their left whatever to be able to stay home. But after years of working a job that I love and having a set schedule, it's been really hard to slow things down at home every day. Being on lock-down hasn't helped, and I feel like things have gotten too slow. So when Matt and I had the budget talk and he mentioned that we really needed me to bring in some type of income starting in the fall, I immediately burst into a smile and started making plans. I know leaving Abby each day will be incredibly hard, but I also know that it's what's best for all of us. At one year old, it will be great for her to have the socialization with other kids, and also good for her to get to independent from mommy at times.

- I had always heard about how relationships between husbands and wives change after the birth of a baby, and I planned to make sure it didn't with ours. But, truth be told, at the end of the day we're both exhausted and staying connected hasn't been a top priority. Matt is an amazing father and adores Abby, but I can't honestly say we've been setting aside time for just us. More on this later.

- I guess I thought I'd feel like a mother. Like there was this magical transformation that would happen and I would suddenly be changed into all the things I had imagined. But that didn't happen. Looking back at the past 5 months, I can see how much my life has changed and how much I have changed. But in the end, I'm still me....except now with the most extraordinary little person attached at the hip. My decisions are undeniably based on her every need. I think that most of what kind of mother I thought I'd be was based on my needs and how I pictured myself. Now I realize that at the end of the day, if my house isn't pristine, dinner made, and our social calendar full - that's okay! It doesn't make me any less of a mother. The most important thing is that Abby is loved and taken care of to the best of our abilities - even if to do that I can't be the mother I thought I'd be.