Happy Unbirthday, Abbybear!

Today Abby turns 6 months old! I can't believe I've known this little person for half a year now!

Her 6 month check-up went very well. Here are the stats:

Weight: 13lbs 3.5oz (7th percentile!!!!)

Height: 23.5 in (1st percentile)

Head: 40.5 cm(8th percentile)

What's new:

• Abby can hold up and support her head fully. Her tilt is nearly gone thanks to PT! This means I wear her on my hip quite often now. She's my super-cute accessory lately :)
• Her new favorite thing to do is stand up (holding our fingers) and lift her feet to take steps. She mostly goes backwards right now and hasn't quite mastered how to take small steps. Lets just say that her "baby steps" aren't quite baby-sized! She often ends up in a split!
• She will sit on the floor unsupported for about 10-30 seconds. then fall over and smile.
• She blows raspberries when she's mad, or bored...or whenever!
• She has a love for books. She LOVES to touch them, look at the pictures, and tries to eat them!
• Her favorite song right now is "Itsy Bitsy Spider" - she giggles whenever we get to "DOWN came the rain and WASHED the spider out!"
• She is having MASSIVE stranger anxiety right now. Just look at her and she'll dissolve into tears unless you're mommy or daddy. If you try to pick her up, she'll cry the most pitiful cry you've ever heard. Don't worry. It's not you. It's her :(
• Her stranger anxiety makes people think that she's a really fussy baby, but she's not! She rarely cries during the day unless she's tired or scared.
• She is starting to outgrow her 0-3 month clothes and some of her 3 month stuff too! Time to start getting her some 6 month outfits for spring/summer!
• She eats 30-40 oz daily and the dr said she can start solids whenever I feel comfortable. EEK!
• Abby Sleeps from about 7:30pm-6:30am almost every night and has been doing so for a few months now. I know I'm lucky.
• Abby put herself on a 3-nap schedule months ago. She takes two 30 minute naps in the morning, and usually a longer 3 hour nap in the afternoon. Ahhh...to be a baby again...
• She LOVES her jogging stroller because she can sit up and look at the world, so that's the stroller I usually take her out in to run errands.
• She is teething like crazy and is truly a slobber-monster! No teeth yet...
• She has baby-fat rolls on her thighs finally and her cheeks are so yummy looking, you want to eat them, In fact, I have to constantly keep myself from nomming down on them daily.
• She's perfect....but that's not new :)

I plan to take some new 6 month pics of her as soon as she wakes up from her nap (she had some mean shots this morning!) so stay tuned!

**Feel-Good-Naked-Project Update: I have lost 4 lbs so far this week!**

An Inappropriate Relationship

I am in an inappropriate relationship. It began a year and a half ago when I was going through a rough time. I turned to this relationship to feel better after the loss of our first pregnancy. I just felt so empty and wanted to feel full. I turn to this relationship whenever I'm bored, or lonely, or sad. Gradually, I began to see this relationship as a solution for all of these problems.



Then I started turning to it when I was happy or excited. I convinced myself that this relationship was my reward for having a bad day...or having a great day. Somehow, I deserved this.



But this relationship has left me feeling insecure and unhealthy. In truth, it cares nothing for me and can't possibly make me satisfied. I have tried to cut it out entirely, but that's just not possible. I have tried to stay away, but I find myself going back one more time. I beat myself up about this relationship and let it determine how I feel about myself. As I walk down the street, I wonder if other people can tell, and if it effects what they think of me. Do they think I'm weak? Do they know...



I am in an inappropriate relationship with food.



I've never been a particularly "healthy" eater. My staples in college included mac and cheese, lasagna night and salad bar at our college cafeteria, and way too much fast food. I grew up an extremely picky eater (although I'm proud to say that Matt has opened my eyes to the wonderful world of sushi, Chinese food, and fish in the past 7 years) and most of my choices centered around comfort foods.



I easily kept the weight off in high school just by sheer energy. Colorguard 3 nights a week and galavanting all around Marietta with my friends (chaperoned, of course!) It was also in high school that I started running daily, tape player in hand and huge speakers over my ears.



I carried on running in college. Of course, it was a CD player and ear buds by then. I actually felt bad if I didn't run daily - like I needed it to de-stress. I would come up with all sorts of storylines and ideas for the future books I would write while running. I was addicted to running :)



After college was when things got tricky. I was in a terrible car accident my first year of teaching and broke several things, including my pelvis, lower vertebrae, and sacrum (that's your tailbone, for us non-med students). I was in a wheelchair for a while, then on crutches for about 3 months. then had some serious pain for another year or so. This put an end to my running.



Things started to get a little out of hand, but I kept telling myself "just wait till you can start running again - it'll fall off you so quickly!" But something changes in the body between adolescence and adulthood. And I soon realized that I had to change my eating habits, along with easing back into exercising.



I learned to count calories and lost 60lbs that year and my back pain was manageable enough to run again. I felt wonderful! I fit back into all of my pre-accident clothes. I ran all the stinking time and loved that sweaty, stretched out feeling I had when I returned back home. Grantville became my obstacle course and I had my own running trail through the downtown area, around the old cemetery, and back home again.



That summer Matt and I took a 2 week roadtrip across the country (definitely ranking as one of the top 3 memories of my life!) and decided to start a family. 3 months later, we were in a dr's office, looking at an empty ultrasound - seeing the place where our baby had been just a few days ago. I don't think I can describe that feeling.It's something that you don't fully understand until you go through it. It is sad to hear about someone you know losing a baby...but it is earth-shattering when you lose your own. And having another baby doesn't "fix" the brokenheart. If anything, when Abigail was first placed in my arms, the realization of just how much I had lost really hit. And also how much I had gained. Without that loss, we wouldn't have Abby. It's a bittersweet ache now.



So I tried to fill the void. Add a complicated pregnancy, a nicu stay, and adjusting to stay-at-home mommyhood, and that "inappropriate relationship" has blossomed...and so has my waist-line!



But no more! I am trying to approach this differently than before. I'm not concerned about losing the weight. I can and I know I will. It's what comes after the weight loss. Since I know why I fall into this routine, I need to recognize it before it snowballs again. I don't want Abby to have a mother who is constantly seeking out the latest diet trend and coping with her feelings through food. I don't have a set number in mind this time. I just want to get to a point where I feel comfortable in my own skin again. To do this, in addition to calorie counting, I have started running again!



One thing I know I am so lucky to have is a husband that loves me and shows me that he loves me unconditionally. A few weeks ago I was gathering up my clothes to change in the bathroom. I know it's gotten bad when I won't change in front of my own husband! Matt asked why I was doing that. I was feeling particularly sorry for myself and so I said something to the extent of "I doubt you'll see this girl naked in the light of day again in your lifetime!". To which he simply replied, "I will". (Now, whether this was meant as encouragement or he was bragging about his powers of persuasion, I'm not sure...)



And so the Look Feel-Good-Naked Project was begun!

Snow Baby

Babies don't keep

Yesterday, after a long morning at physical therapy, we finally made it home to our warm house. Ms. Gina, the therapist really worked Abigail with stretches and new positions and I'm happy to say that Abby can now turn her head 90 degrees - full range of motion! She was great for the first 30 minutes of the session, which was mostly play, but when it came to stretching she started to cry the fattest baby tears you've ever seen. Gina wasn't bothered by it - I guess she's used to working with itty-bitties. I, on the other hand, felt like I wanted to cry too. I read somewhere that babies have their own cry frequency that is exactly the right frequency to make their mother feel incredibly uncomfortable/stressed out. It's supposed to guarantee the fact that momma will come running to the rescue, even when no one else will. Abby is such a happy baby, though. Even through her tears of frustration with the stretching, she would look up at Gina and give her a big gummy grin!

After we arrived home, I planned to give Abby a bottle, then get some serious house cleaning done. Since we spent most of Monday out and about in Kennesaw, our laundry and dishes had piled up in a major way. But as soon as her bottle was finished, Abby was fast asleep snoozing in my arms. I glanced around the house at all the things I had to do...then glanced down at her little chubby baby-cheeks (which probably weigh at least a pound each - oh- mah-goodness, I die of cute!) and decided cleaning can wait.

One day Abby will not want to fall asleep on momma anymore. One day she'll be too big to rock, and she'll want to go play with the "big kids". And I'll wonder where my little baby GB went. And I'll miss her little sleepy baby cheeks on my chest.

So I held my sleeping baby on the couch...for three hours straight :)


Mother, oh Mother, come shake out your cloth
Empty the dustpan, poison the moth,
Hang out the washing and butter the bread,
Sew on a button and make up a bed.
Where is the mother whose house is so shocking?
She's up in the nursery, blissfully rocking.

Oh, I've grown shiftless as Little Boy Blue
(lullaby, rock-a-bye, Lullaby loo).
Dishes are waiting and bills are past due
(pat-a-cake, darling, and peek-peek-a-boo).
The shopping is not done and there's nothing for stew
And out in the yard there is a hullabaloo.
But I'm playing "Kanga" and this is my "Roo."
Look! Aren't his eyes the most wonderful hue?
(lullaby, rock-a-bye, lullaby loo).

The cleaning and scrubbing will wait till tomorrow,
For children grow up, as I've learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down cobwebs. Dust go to sleep.
I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep.

Ruth Hulburt Hamilton, 1958

Doogie Houser sings Les Mis

Okay, I've never watched How I Met your Mother, but I think this interview is just FANTASTIC. Mostly because it's just that random. I adore Neil Patrick Harris. ::Runs to go find some Dr. Horrible clips::

One year ago today:

Transylvania Mania!

Last weekend Matt and I had a wonderful date night! We don't often get to go out just the two of us, so this was a really special treat. For Christmas, Matt's sister gave us tickets to see the musical Young Frankenstein at the Fox. So Sunday morning we left Abby with my parents and headed into Atlanta for some fun.

We stopped by O'Charley's on the way for some tastey brunch, then hopped aboard MARTA to avoid driving and parking downtown. The show was HILARIOUS and we had such a good time! We had both seen pieces of the movie with Gene Wilder, but neither of us had any idea of how much fun the musical would be! The special effects were awesome and I loved the actors!

After the play, we met some friends at a local sushi restaurant for dinner. It was relaxing to not have to worry about keeping Abby content while we ate! When it was all over, though, I was ready to be back home with my little Gummybear.

Next Sunday (Valentines Day) we have tickets to Mama Mia at the Fox. Yes, I'm spoiled. I know :)

The Mother I Thought I'd Be...

I'm not the mother I thought I'd be.

All those years of thinking about the future and planning EXACTLY what it would be like - and I've now come to realize that things don't always turn out the way you planned, but that's okay.

- I planned to breastfeed Abby for her first year of life. And I did make it 9 weeks of pumping every 3 hours. But with the month-long nicu stay and IUGR and severe latching issues, we couldn't continue. I still glance at my The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding book from time to time and feel sad. Sometimes I see a mother nursing in public and wish things were different - that I could still share that bond with Abby. But then I remind myself that the method of feeding my child does not matter as long as I feed her. And my goodness, she likes her bottles! My 2lb preemie now weighs over 12lbs (1.5 lbs gained in the last 2 weeks alone!!!)

- I wanted to co-sleep with Abby in our room for the first year. However, within 2 months of her being home, I realized that both she and I get MUCH better sleep with her in her own room! She pretty much made the decision for us!

- I thought I'd be an incredibly clingy mother, constantly checking on Abby to make sure she's breathing at night, and running to pick her up if she makes the smallest peep. But I've learned that both she and I need our space sometimes, and she actually has a routine of fussing for 2 minutes before falling asleep. She'll fuss when I put her down, then when I come back to check onher, she'll look at me like I'm crazy and fall promptly asleep! Who knew that babies need alone time too?

- I thought I'd constantly be out and about on playdates and outtings with Abby. However, RSV season has kept us pretty much on lock-down and we can't take the risk of her being around small children until it warms up. In addition, classes like Kindermusic cost way too much for our budget, and we can just listen and dance to the radio at home! I'm really looking forward to our Mommy and Me Swim classes in the Fall, though!

- I thought I'd be able to get lots done at home and be able to work on losing the baby weight. The truth? I rarely do anything at the house that's not baby related and I'm still carrying an extra 40 lbs I don't have time or energy to lose right now. Oh, and my hips have spread from here to Texas - thanks, GB! I know I'll be able to lose the weight when the weather warms up - just right now it's not the top priority, know what I mean?

- I thought I would love staying at home, but the truth is that I'm ready to get back to teaching. Believe me, I know how lucky I am to get to stay home with Abby for her first year of life. I know that most women out there would give their left whatever to be able to stay home. But after years of working a job that I love and having a set schedule, it's been really hard to slow things down at home every day. Being on lock-down hasn't helped, and I feel like things have gotten too slow. So when Matt and I had the budget talk and he mentioned that we really needed me to bring in some type of income starting in the fall, I immediately burst into a smile and started making plans. I know leaving Abby each day will be incredibly hard, but I also know that it's what's best for all of us. At one year old, it will be great for her to have the socialization with other kids, and also good for her to get to independent from mommy at times.

- I had always heard about how relationships between husbands and wives change after the birth of a baby, and I planned to make sure it didn't with ours. But, truth be told, at the end of the day we're both exhausted and staying connected hasn't been a top priority. Matt is an amazing father and adores Abby, but I can't honestly say we've been setting aside time for just us. More on this later.

- I guess I thought I'd feel like a mother. Like there was this magical transformation that would happen and I would suddenly be changed into all the things I had imagined. But that didn't happen. Looking back at the past 5 months, I can see how much my life has changed and how much I have changed. But in the end, I'm still me....except now with the most extraordinary little person attached at the hip. My decisions are undeniably based on her every need. I think that most of what kind of mother I thought I'd be was based on my needs and how I pictured myself. Now I realize that at the end of the day, if my house isn't pristine, dinner made, and our social calendar full - that's okay! It doesn't make me any less of a mother. The most important thing is that Abby is loved and taken care of to the best of our abilities - even if to do that I can't be the mother I thought I'd be.