An Inappropriate Relationship

I am in an inappropriate relationship. It began a year and a half ago when I was going through a rough time. I turned to this relationship to feel better after the loss of our first pregnancy. I just felt so empty and wanted to feel full. I turn to this relationship whenever I'm bored, or lonely, or sad. Gradually, I began to see this relationship as a solution for all of these problems.



Then I started turning to it when I was happy or excited. I convinced myself that this relationship was my reward for having a bad day...or having a great day. Somehow, I deserved this.



But this relationship has left me feeling insecure and unhealthy. In truth, it cares nothing for me and can't possibly make me satisfied. I have tried to cut it out entirely, but that's just not possible. I have tried to stay away, but I find myself going back one more time. I beat myself up about this relationship and let it determine how I feel about myself. As I walk down the street, I wonder if other people can tell, and if it effects what they think of me. Do they think I'm weak? Do they know...



I am in an inappropriate relationship with food.



I've never been a particularly "healthy" eater. My staples in college included mac and cheese, lasagna night and salad bar at our college cafeteria, and way too much fast food. I grew up an extremely picky eater (although I'm proud to say that Matt has opened my eyes to the wonderful world of sushi, Chinese food, and fish in the past 7 years) and most of my choices centered around comfort foods.



I easily kept the weight off in high school just by sheer energy. Colorguard 3 nights a week and galavanting all around Marietta with my friends (chaperoned, of course!) It was also in high school that I started running daily, tape player in hand and huge speakers over my ears.



I carried on running in college. Of course, it was a CD player and ear buds by then. I actually felt bad if I didn't run daily - like I needed it to de-stress. I would come up with all sorts of storylines and ideas for the future books I would write while running. I was addicted to running :)



After college was when things got tricky. I was in a terrible car accident my first year of teaching and broke several things, including my pelvis, lower vertebrae, and sacrum (that's your tailbone, for us non-med students). I was in a wheelchair for a while, then on crutches for about 3 months. then had some serious pain for another year or so. This put an end to my running.



Things started to get a little out of hand, but I kept telling myself "just wait till you can start running again - it'll fall off you so quickly!" But something changes in the body between adolescence and adulthood. And I soon realized that I had to change my eating habits, along with easing back into exercising.



I learned to count calories and lost 60lbs that year and my back pain was manageable enough to run again. I felt wonderful! I fit back into all of my pre-accident clothes. I ran all the stinking time and loved that sweaty, stretched out feeling I had when I returned back home. Grantville became my obstacle course and I had my own running trail through the downtown area, around the old cemetery, and back home again.



That summer Matt and I took a 2 week roadtrip across the country (definitely ranking as one of the top 3 memories of my life!) and decided to start a family. 3 months later, we were in a dr's office, looking at an empty ultrasound - seeing the place where our baby had been just a few days ago. I don't think I can describe that feeling.It's something that you don't fully understand until you go through it. It is sad to hear about someone you know losing a baby...but it is earth-shattering when you lose your own. And having another baby doesn't "fix" the brokenheart. If anything, when Abigail was first placed in my arms, the realization of just how much I had lost really hit. And also how much I had gained. Without that loss, we wouldn't have Abby. It's a bittersweet ache now.



So I tried to fill the void. Add a complicated pregnancy, a nicu stay, and adjusting to stay-at-home mommyhood, and that "inappropriate relationship" has blossomed...and so has my waist-line!



But no more! I am trying to approach this differently than before. I'm not concerned about losing the weight. I can and I know I will. It's what comes after the weight loss. Since I know why I fall into this routine, I need to recognize it before it snowballs again. I don't want Abby to have a mother who is constantly seeking out the latest diet trend and coping with her feelings through food. I don't have a set number in mind this time. I just want to get to a point where I feel comfortable in my own skin again. To do this, in addition to calorie counting, I have started running again!



One thing I know I am so lucky to have is a husband that loves me and shows me that he loves me unconditionally. A few weeks ago I was gathering up my clothes to change in the bathroom. I know it's gotten bad when I won't change in front of my own husband! Matt asked why I was doing that. I was feeling particularly sorry for myself and so I said something to the extent of "I doubt you'll see this girl naked in the light of day again in your lifetime!". To which he simply replied, "I will". (Now, whether this was meant as encouragement or he was bragging about his powers of persuasion, I'm not sure...)



And so the Look Feel-Good-Naked Project was begun!