Waiting

Ask Matt and he'll tell you I'm not exactly the most patient person in the world. In fact, "patient" doesn't really belong in the same sentence with my name. I'm always looking forward to the next milestone in life. When I was in middle school I couldn't WAIT to get into high school ( I mean, high school was when you ultimately became cool like the kids on 90's tv shows like Saved by the Bell and 90210, right?) Then I couldn't wait to be in college, which was closely followed by 4 years of impatience to be OUT of college. If I had only known how much more stressful post-graduate life is! When I knew Matt was the one for me, I became impatient for all the things our married life would hold.

But I would argue that impatience isn't really the problem - it's the fear of the unknown that really bothers me. I would rather know everything up-front than be surprised or caught unprepared. You see, I am a planner. I have to-do lists that actually include making more to-do lists. As soon as we found out I was expecting, I couldn't wait to find out my due date. That way, I could start planning. Having to see the specialist really threw a wrench in my plans because each week seemed to carry a new diagnosis/problem - a new unexpected thing to plan for. And sometimes even the POSSIBILITY of unforeseen issues can get me in a panic. Before school even began, I had all of my long-term substitute lesson plans ready for after my due date - not to mention I had cleaned out my desk at school and gotten the room "sub friendly".

But apparently pregnancy is all about waiting and uncertainty. I have to accept that certain things are out of my control.

Right now I'm waiting to get the blood and urine results back on my preecclampsia (toxemia) testing. This determines whether I go on bed rest starting next week at 31 weeks. At the MFM specialist appointment, my blood pressure was too high (I think 140/100 - that's really high for me) and there was protein in my urine. Along with the swelling, things aren't looking good for me staying at work until my due date.

I'm actually okay with the prospect of 2 months of bed rest. I've accepted the possibility and am willing to do whatever it takes to keep GB inside until it would be safe and healthy for her to make her debut. What I am NOT okay with is NOT KNOWING when exactly this will happen. Planning out the lessons for the ENTIRE semester is now stressing me out, not to mention trying to find a long-term certified sub who doesn't mind being ready at the drop of a hat starting....oh...in three days...maybe. And I really thought I'd have plenty of time to get the nursery ready, but now I'm not so sure. And I meant to attend a breastfeeding class, but there is only ONE more offered at the hospital before GB is born, and bed rest may prohibit that.

I'm pretty much in a self-centered panic right now about not being prepared for this baby yet. It seems like all I've done this pregnancy is plan and wait, plan and wait...but now I feel like I didn't plan nearly as much as I should have!

**DEEP Breath**

But then I look at my most recent ultrasound of GB from Weds' appointment, and I feel SO THANKFUL that she's still doing well, despite my internal panic. She gained 1lb 20z since the last appointment. PEOPLE - that is AWESOME!!! She now weighs a total of 3lbs and was kicking away on the monitor. Her kidney is still enlarged, but not getting worse. She measured a few days behind, but that's not a big deal - she is GROWING :) And it's moments like this I remember that nothing else matters, and my to-do lists aren't really important, and even if my kids have NO lesson plans for the next 2 months they will somehow get by. And I'm so excited to think that she will be here so soon!